Princess Rachael Elizabeth Boatwright turned five on July 19, so she packed her clothes and took a trip to North Carolina, also known as Almost Heaven. She went to visit her Grandma and Grandpa Rudy, who being old and moldy and what with having to work and all, couldn't visit her in her castle in Virginia. Rachael also kindly allowed her older brother Trevor the Flatulent and her baby sister Ariel the Interminably Cute accompany her, along with Dad, who was the Moneykeeper (an oxymoron) and Mom, Who Knows What Clothes Match and Cooks. After a brief car trip in the Mallowmobile they all arrived in High Point, ready to party. But first they had to get past Claire the Fierce and Winston the Even Fiercer, sneak through the Laundry and Catpoo Dungeon, avoid the Claws of Death and the Polydactyl Kitty, which they did without much bloodshed. But the Home of the Grandfolks was empty, and even worse, the kitchen was not full of good dinner smells. Alas, the Mom Who Cooks did not, so off went Dad and Grandpa to the Italian sector to bring the Princess and her entourage some sustenance, or better yet, spaghetti on round silver plates, and for the Adventurous, eggplant Parmesan WHICH MAY HAVE BEEN VEAL, or not. We shall never know. And then the Princess retired to the Informal room to watch Noggin, only Dad was struck by the Sword of Commercialism and thus turned the dial to the Cartoon Network, which caused Mom to question his Sanity later on. Following much sampling of the Noble Dessert Wine from the legendary Stonefield Cellars Winery , the old Grandma suggested a Bat Walk which was met with a chorus of Yeas from the Princess and her siblings, as this meant they could AVOID BEDTIME, because as everyone knows, bats only come out at twilight, which was nine pm in Almost Heaven, North Carolina. So they gathered their crocs and dogs and jars and lanterns and other hiking accoutrema and set off into the fading light of Suburbia to catch a glimpse of the mysterious Flying Rodents, to seek the fatally beautiful Fireflies, doomed to be put in a jar by the Trevor the Astute Hunter, and to tantalize the visitors with a brief tour of the THE HOUSE FOR SALE DOWN THE STREET, obviously a GOOD BUY, being an Estate Sale, but alas the people who rent their castle up north were only temporarily seduced by the GREAT VALUE.
After much walking, many bat sightings,even by Ariel the Small, and several Firefly Capturings, the tired Princess climbed the Hill of Sorrow and Leg Cramps with her
throng of Hangers-On, and upon reaching the Castle of Relativity began to weep in the most heartbreaking fashion, tears rolling down her fair cheeks. Alas, it became apparent that the Princess had not caught a firefly and that even though Trevor offered his own flashy bugs to the Royal Sister, she was not appeased. Finally, to the surprise of All and Sundry (who had just shown up uninvited)it was noted by Trevor the Beaten Down by All These Sisters that there was one lone flashy fly left in the jar who had not been Set Free, so Princess Rachael took the jar to the front stoop of the Castle of Relativity and, unscrewing the lid of the glass prison, set the little phosphorescent creature free. The evening was saved, and all the Royal Siblings piled happily into the familiar cozy bed of the Castle. And the old grandma pulled put of the Bag of Surprising Stuff a night light of most amazing design, a light which created stars of Many Colours on the wall to the delight of the Royal Grandkids, who declared it pretty and went off to sleep.
The following morning the Grandfolks went off to work and the Princess and her Court went to the Museum of Dinosaurs, Lemurs and Tigers, which is a Tale that shall be told by the Mom who Blogs and Doesn't Seem to Cook. That same evening Dad the Smoker of Turkeys cooked lovely juicy hamburgers and hotdogs on the Castle Grill while Grandpa gave sage advise and drank from the Bottle of Brewed Barley and Hops. And the Royal Children, still WAITING FOR RACHAEL'S BIRTHDAY, watched My Neighbor Totoro and Did Not Want to go to Bed Much. But they knew that finally on Saturday it would be the Princess Rachael's Actual Real Birthday and that they would be going to a Land of Great Adventure and Recreational Water.
The Great Day dawned grey and misty but with the Admonition from Trevor the Soothsayer that it "Can't rain on Rachael's birthday," the revelers set forth for a Day of Merriment. The first stop on the great Journey was the Land of Breakfast (or Golden Corral in some parlances). This was a land of Wonderment, a land of Scrambled Eggs and Bacon and Sausage and Pancakes and French Toast and Omelettes and Hash Brown Potatoes and Biscuits and Strawberries and Yogurt and Gummi Bears and Sugar Cookie Pizza and Corned Beef Hash and Eggs Benedict and Watermelon and Brownies and Soft Serv Ice Cream and you could have it all Twice, even Three Times, such an amazing Land this was!! The Princess Rachael commanded her Grandmother to carry her plate and place such items of her choosing on it and carry it back to the Royal Table. Her poor old Grandma complied, many times, and sadly did not get to finish her coffee, but this is of No Importance to the Story.
The next stop on the Journey to the Park of Excess Water was a simple shop selling bathing suits and wrapping paper and Cd's and water. The Royal Grandpa, alas, did not find a swimming suit of Less Absorbency and was saddened, but the Royal Dad found water in plastic cylinders and after a heated exchange of words with the Royal Son, purchased the beneficial liquid without Flavor or Fitness added. The Royal Mom did not buy anything but did remind the Royal Son to curry favor with the King or risk the Consequences. Everyone returned to the Royal conveyances and headed out to the final destination. There was much discussion between the Mom and Grandma over the Possibility of Rain, but they realized talking about it would make no difference at all. After all, the HIGHLY COMPENSATED meteorologists had studied the meteors and other signs and had declared NO RAIN (except maybe later on in the afternoon, and then there was only a 30% chance which as WE ALL KNOW means no, it is not gonna rain on YOU) Nevertheless, there were an awful lot of Big Gray clouds looming overhead.
The Royal Procession arrived in the Wet and Wild parking lot ahead of the common folks and rushed to the ticket booth. To the horror of the Royal Parents, Trevor the Tall was charged an adult price because of his Great Height, even though the Royal Prince Just Turned Seven. This was a great Injustice but no one wanted to spoil the Princess' birthday so Dad decided not to File a Complaint on this Happy Occasion. The next stop was the Cabana rental booth, which as we know is what separates the aristocracy from the rabble, and the King thought that the Princess' fifth birthday was the proper occasion for her to develop her natural Preference for All Things Costing more than Regular Stuff, and so the Cabana was rented and the distinction between the Princess and her subjects was emphasized by the blue band placed around her delicate wrist, so that All and Sundry (who kept showing up wherever she went) would realize her place in the Park and in the World, and treat her with awe and deference, as was her Right. Indeed, all the Royal folk were given bright blue bands and wore them with distinction, except for Ariel the quite Small but Vocal, who did NOT want to wear hers, but then she was too young to understand the GREAT HONOR that having a Cabana bestowed upon you. After settling into the comfort of the Royal Shelter, the Men went off to seek the Great and Thrilling Slides of Terror, and the Royal Women descended to the Kiddie Pools, pools of great and frightening whales, submarines, toadstools and other things SO TERRIFYING that the Birthday Princess did not LIKE them and demanded to go elsewhere. Of course her demands were obeyed and off they went to the Kiddie Slides, a place so frightening that the Princess demanded to go Elsewhere and would NOT watch the Princess Ariel go down the slide with her Mom. Finally, after much impatient Princess foot stomping and some embarrassing public dancing by the Princess and her plump old Grandma, the Lazy River opened and let the Princess in ahead of everyone else. She pointed to the BEST inner tube and of course her Grandma grabbed it, and the Princess LIKED it! She sat in the tube like the Royal person she is and floated down the river in the lovely current and there were no scary slides or splashes at all! NOTHING HAPPENED, and the Princess Rachael loved it, and much time was spent floating in circles. Her Mom the Queen who Really Does Cook Sometimes floated in the reverie of someone who doesn't get much Peace and Quiet and only occasionally had to amuse the Princess Ariel.
But Alas, the lazy river lost its charm eventually and the Royal party headed back to the Cabana where the Royal men regaled them with stories of Truly Amazing Waterslides of great tallness and twistiness and speediness. A pizza was sought and purchased and a sort of Great Feast followed. Then the Great decision was made to go to the Wave Pool, an awesome fortress of astounding technology, where the ocean is tamed into ONE GREAT WAVE which bursts forth with regularity from the bowels of an INVISIBLE MACHINE and sweeps the unfortunate from their feet and leaves all before it gasping in Amazement. It scared the Princesses to death, a figure of speech that seems appropriate. Even Prince Trevor the Fearless was a little undone. The Royal Grandma asked the Royal menfolk, who had abandoned EVERYONE in some great insanity of joy, TO PLEASE WATCH THE CHILDREN so that the Queen and the Queen Mother could tempt the great wave by swimming toward it, and so they did. By now the Royal Princess Rachael was pretty much DONE with the water park, which she expressed by saying with some emphasis, "I am DONE!!" But the Grandma suggested cotton candy which was met with great hurrahs and they headed off to the candy stand where Grandma paid NINE DOLLARS for three bags of cotton candy, two blue, one pink , and there was joy in the Cabana again. Everyone ate great gobs of spun sugar except Trevor whose sweet tooth is quite a bit smaller than the Royal Sisters'.
And then came the Great Irony. It started to rain, slowly at first, and then harder until the slight chance of rain became a torrential downpour. The Princess was not amused. Not only did it rain on Her Birthday, but at a Water Park, where quite frankly there was already more than a reasonable amount of opportunities to get wet, and the Princess was not impressed with most of them. Really, she just wanted to return to the Grandcastle and open her presents. Truly. But there was the little problem of the Cabana. It required that everyone GET THEIR MONEY'S WORTH, a concept pretty much lost on the Princess. "I am getting drenched!" she announced with regal impatience. This was obviously not the case, as she was under the sheltering Cabana and wrapped in a towel. But the Princess was given to a certain dramatic overstatement of facts. "I AM GETTING DRENCHED! I AM DONE!!" she announced again to her brother, the Prince, who lay out in the open on a lounge chair, covered by four towels, and replied in a muffled voice that he was nice and dry. " I AM GETTING DRENCHED!" she cried with horror to her grandma who was actually getting drenched on her starboard side. "I AM GETTING DRENCHED!" she shouted with royal exasperation to her mother, who, looking somewhat amused said "What are you Rachael? Can you tell me again?" At this point the Princess Rachael totally forgot that she had just turned five that very day and said with unquestionable imperialism, "I AM GETTING DRENCHED AND IF I HAVE TO STAY HERE ONE MORE MINUTE I WILL TAKE THE CAR KEYS AND DRIVE MYSELF HOME!"
It should be noted that the rain stopped,the Royal Family went back to the Pirate Ship where the Prince had a good time jumping into the pool off the bow, where grandma and grandpa actually got to swim, and where the Princess refused to stay but actually had a blast at the kiddie pool with the Princess Ariel and the patient Queen who Never Cooked Once, and enjoyed another trip down the lazy river. All in all, getting DRENCHED is pretty much fun as long as the Princess says it is fun.
